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Finding myself | Nothing Much


Last night I was working till four o’clock in the morning and was absolutely exhausted. I couldn’t wait to fall asleep but when I was on the  bed I was restless and kept on tossing. I sat up straight and tried to figure out, what was troubling me. I did not get an answer and that time I was feeling quite annoyed so I started scrolling down my Instagram, because why not. At that moment someone commented on my picture and I immediately said : “thank you”. This got me thinking; to be very honest my mind is a messy place so it went back to my school days. I remember when I was in year 10 and it was our last day in our school. We planned to go out to celebrate our very last day. Everyone was scribbling on each other’s shirt and slam books, promising to stay in touch and wish on each other’s birthday. It was a really weird feeling, to leave my school where I studied for twelve years..

So, while all this was happening someone captured a picture of my then-best friend and me. She was very excited to see the picture but I was not at all keen. Just because of the fact that I knew I looked miserable in it, and it just gets confirmed whenever I saw my own picture. So, when I saw my picture, the first thing that popped up my mind was ‘ Ah! Why can’t I just look good for one day?’ I was instantly disappointed with myself and tried my best not to get clicked although my mom borrowed me her digital camera for that day, so that I can capture some memories of my school. I purposely did not take many pictures because I just did not know how to smile, or how to look at the camera so that I can get one decent picture of mine. I did that on every occasion, wherever there was a chance to get clicked you would have found me behind someone else, hiding. Every time I looked at the pictures, everyone looked fine except me. It was such a bad feeling, and by that time I knew its not going to be easy for me. I can never be comfortable and I will always feel bad about myself. To be honest, the amount of time I spent scrutinising my picture was absolutely ridiculous, I could see all my flaws in it and I did not feel good about it. I also remember that a classmate of mine took my slam book on his own and wrote, “ You should change your dressing style and learn how to talk properly”. I was angry when I read it for the first time, because I did not even ask him to fill up my slam book and then he left a comment like this. Later it just added up to my insecurity list, and negative feelings kept on piling up.

Then I moved to my high school, and things changed a lot for me. I tried to get out of my own comfort zone and I made it a point that I will never hide behind anyone else. If my picture is the worst version of me, let it be. I will deal with it because hiding doesn’t help. And trust me, that thing worked like magic, ofcourse there were times where I felt like I looked absolutely crappy. But then I always told myself “It is okay, it is just a picture. No big deal

It is funny how I do not have to think twice now before taking a picture. Even if am down with  a 102-degree fever and my friend wants to see how I am looking. I do not even bother to flip my  hair back to look good  to click one, because at a certain point of time I tried so hard to do so that it was physically exhausting. I realised this as I grew up and I understood that it is okay if you do not look perfect all the time. One should not be so critical. We have our own insecurities and we have to learn to deal with it, then everything will be fine.



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