You don’t look too great to be my girlfriend.
I need to concentrate on my exams now, besides we are great as friends.
I have no idea who you are anymore. Meeting you was the worst mistake of my life.
These are the exact words I got to hear over the years from people I held dear to my heart. Oh boy! It hurts real bad. The only way to describe my feelings that exact moment would be a freaking Tornado. Stuck inside it upside down and my emotions were all over the place while all I could type was Please don’t do this to me. There was this acute sensation in my chest, I didn’t know whether my heart was breaking or my body was just in an overdrive mode. May be getting hit by a bus almost feels the same
Then we broke up over the phone, how millennial of us. Then a year down the line I met someone new and I did fall in love for the second time. Meeting him after school was fun, but then I also understood what insecurity meant. I saw his best friend falling in love with him, and there was a sense of helplessness. I was proper jealous, because there was no security in the relationship. Then suddenly one fine night before his exams, I got dumped over a bloody text.
All I had to tell myself was some relationships are not meant to be. Instead I should have just gone to my university fresher’s party, get straight up smashed for seven days and find someone to hold hands with to walk around Parkwood’s long lonely road.
But no, I decided it was a good idea to dwell into long distance and see how thrilling it could be. I totally recommend it, till the time you hit absolute rock bottom. He was everything I ever wanted, but he was the sun and I was the moon. Completely opposite, yet we were in our bubble for a really long time. He is an absolute sweetheart. But then once the honeymoon period was over and few years down the line, the question just popped up in my head asking why was it so hard being in this relationship?
I am aware relationships are not meant to be a bed full of roses, but this should not be like bloody Hunger Games either. Being constantly unhappy does not guarantee happiness in the future So, all I had to do was sit down with him, evaluate the situation and see if it was really worth moving forward? It is easier said than done, those conversations were the hardest and ended up with more tears and arguments. One tub of Ben & Jerry didn’t cut it, I needed like five of those.
Recently I had a bit too much time to self-reflect, because why not? Nowadays, we are all about evaluation, self-love, unlearning and learning. So, I did spend a significant amount of time to come to a conclusion that I am may be a 6 out of 10 as a girlfriend or a potential partner. I mean, I can screw things up pretty bad followed by some major drama.
I also always needed some form of attention, but too much attention suffocates me. There is a constant need for space but also want my boyfriend to check up on me. Earlier, many times I have promised to call someone but then he never heard back from me. Then, those really risky text messages stating ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I don’t think this is working out’ were sent without a second thought. Oh god, not to forget my drunk messages and calls. They were at a different cringe level. After all, chugging vodka and texting the love of your life is not always a good idea. The truth comes out instantly and some things are better left unsaid that you cannot take back. It puts a strain on the relationship and apologies cannot really fix everything.
Here is the thing: shifting the blame on others is always easy when things go wrong. So, a change was required, it is a part of our ever-growing process. Not only it is a great way forward, but also, it is quite refreshing to have a different approach to start something new. Although painful, through these heartbreaks and arguments I have also seen how much I can suck at times. But, all is not lost and it is a long way home. I intend to walk till I find my happy place.
P.S Get help if you are stuck in an abusive relationship